This holiday season, UNMC Today will offer occasional wellness advice from med center experts. Today’s column is written by Cecilia Poon, PhD, clinical psychologist in the Nebraska Medicine Department of Psychology and an adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at UNMC.
Grief is a universal expression in response to a significant loss. Although the holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, the sound of bells, the smell of gingerbread and even the sight of snow may remind us of who is missing.
Most cultures that celebrate holidays expect us to be grateful, merry and together with loved ones during the holidays. This may intensify grief when we just experienced a loss, do not have strong local social ties or already have holiday memories that are layered with trauma and conflict.
Caregivers may experience heightened anticipatory grief as we strive to make the “last holiday” perfect for our dying family or friend. Parents and grandparents may feel pressured to suppress their grief and not “ruin” the holiday magic for younger ones. Holidays may also limit our access to supportive people and helpful distractions when students are on winter break and workers, especially those in health care, may need to cover extra shifts.
Although grief often becomes less gripping over time and we may be coping really well throughout the year, a fresh wave of grief still can hit us annually as the holidays approach.
Holiday grief might feel like:
- An emotional roller-coaster of sadness, joy, excitement and numbness.
- Anxiety, panic, irritability and restlessness.
- Anger, guilt and regret.
- Doubt and questions about our beliefs
- Brain fog and confusion
- Low energy and low motivation
- Tension between desires to connect and isolate
There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Here are some ideas for this holiday season:
- Give space for your grief and other feelings. Engage in creative activities to express and embrace your grief. Write a poem. Journal. Sing. Make bread. Build a shed.
- Remember the deceased person in a way that is comforting to you. Invite others to share stories about the person at the dinner table or in holiday cards. Light candles, play their favorite song, put out their favorite decorations, make their favorite dish.
- Decide what traditions to keep, change and create. Prioritize, simplify and be flexible. Pre-made pie crusts, store-bought pies or no pies at all are fine. Think about which activity or people will be harder to deal with. Consider how long you want to be at gatherings, what you want to share and whether you need a special exit plan.
- Practice self-compassion and self-care. Find alone time to reflect, rest and replenish. Spend time in nature. Watch the sun rise. Try to keep a nourishing diet, sleep and physical activity routine. Moderate screen time, alcohol and caffeine use.
- Ask for help, accept help and offer help. Be with people who are understanding and kind if possible. Seek professional support or a grief support group if the pain is too much to bear and makes daily activities challenging. Donate, volunteer and perform acts of kindness in a way that is meaningful to you and those you miss.
Grief is not a problem to be fixed. May we all move through grief with compassion this holiday.